I think pregnancy tests should come with a warning label. Okay, maybe more of a disclaimer. Yes, I know that they come with a package insert (I've seen them all. I should have stock in EPT.) But the only thing the package insert really tells you is how to tell whether you're pregnant or not. And they must not do that too well, as so many of us feel led to take another test right away, just in case we read the first one wrong. I propose that those things should come with something else.
Something like this: Congratulations! You're pregnant! Or you're not! We sincerely hope you got the answer you were looking for. You can go ahead with your plan to take another test. We're pretty sure it's going to say the same thing, but if you want to give us ten more bucks, we'll take it. If you are not pregnant and wish to be, we will gladly take your money again next month. If you want to increase your odds of getting pregnant (and the pressure on your partner) please invest in one of our company's ovulation predictor tests. These can help you finish removing the romance and spontaneity from your sex life, as well as telling you the most likely days to conceive your little bundle of joy. Our company thanks you for your business!
If you are pregnant, congratulations! Please sit down and buckle up, as we are about to share with you a few of the things other people have tried to explain, but you never really understood until now. Thanks to the little plus sign on the test you just took, you will now be relinquishing control of your life physically, mentally, emotionally, and in all other ways.
Your body now belongs to your baby. You will feed it, pamper it, and subject it to all manner of uncomfortable medical procedures solely for the benefit of the tiny person growing inside you. You will lie awake at night daydreaming, worrying, or trying to figure out how you are supposed to sleep when you can't get comfortable and you have to pee every 30 seconds. You will overcome your fear of needles, doctors, and hospitals as you subject yourself to poking and prodding by total strangers in the interest of delivering a healthy child. You will add new terms to your vocabulary, fun things like stretch marks and hemorrhoids. If you are lucky enough to need a C-section, you will receive a daily reminder of the fact that you let someone cut you open and play with your guts in order to remove your baby from your body.
You will now begin to attract attention, whether you like it or not, no matter where you go. Women in the grocery store will feel entitled to put their hands all over your belly. Total strangers will offer you unsolicited advice about what to do with your body and your baby. Everyone you see will want to know "what" you are having, when it will arrive, and what its name will be. Then they will share with you their thoughts on whether you should have another child (you know, if the child's gender isn't what they think it ought to be) and the name you have so carefully chosen. Because we all know that annoying, crazy woman at the mall should get a vote.
Every Supermom you know will tell you what to eat, what to wear, and what fun, artsy fartsy projects (maternity photos and plaster belly molds and such) you should do while you're pregnant. You will smile politely while you fantasize about one of two things - ripping their head off of their shoulders or having a bowl of ice cream and a nap. The subject of your fantasy will be solely at the discretion of the hormone fairy. She will determine your mood at that particular second, and then on a whim will inform you that you are no longer angry, but now need to weep uncontrollably. As an added bonus, we'll let you in on the fact that the hormone fairy hangs around long after your delivery. That bitch will move into your spare bedroom and mess with you long after you have evicted that precious baby from your body. Just something to look forward to!
You will plan out the perfect delivery to the letter, and fantasize in your head just how everything will go. In your mind, you will go into labor in the morning, when your hair is clean and fixed and your makeup is fresh. After a brief, not too painful labor, you will deliver the most beautiful child ever conceived while Daddy holds your hand, says all the right things, AND takes all the pictures you wanted. Then you, the beaming, not high on drugs, not a hair out of place mother will pose for pictures with your gorgeous baby who does not at all resemble an alien with a conehead. The horror of what you just put your body through will not even occur to you at this point, because the drugs will not have worn off yet. That comes later. Enjoy this part, sweetie, because we can almost guarantee that your delivery will NOT happen that way. Delivering a baby is kind of like planning a wedding. You can be certain that something will not go according to plan, but hopefully it's nothing major and you get the desired outcome.
The one thing that we can tell you about your pregnancy is this: you won't regret it. You'll actually miss that big belly when it's gone. And no matter how easy or hard it is, or how much your delivery fails to resemble your fantasy, you'd do it all over again in a second. Congratulations on taking the plunge. Let go of the bar, throw your arms up in the air, and get ready for the roller coaster ride of your life.
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