The Bathroom Expert

Today I'm going to share my expertise in one of the most disgusting places in the world. People only go there because they have to, and many people avoid them at all costs. Children love them, and feel compelled to touch each and every surface in them. They are...public bathrooms.
How does one become an expert on public bathrooms? I'm glad you asked. Allow me to explain. My cousin assures me that every single time I went anywhere with her family when I was a kid they had to find me a bathroom. My husband on more than one occasion has called me the "bathroomingest woman" he's ever seen, and no, I wasn't pregnant at the time. Having been blessed with what he lovingly refers to as my "microbladder" I find myself in search of a restroom fairly often. Add three kids who always have to go (they never have to go when we leave home) and I know precisely where nearly every public restroom in Tupelo, Mooreville, and Mantachie is located.
Public restrooms are not all bad. I've visited nearly every one in North Mississippi. You can learn a lot. For instance, a gentleman named Phil has a very large, ahem, member. And for a good time you should call a young lady named Mary. Sally is a man-stealing homewrecker, Chris is a homosexual, and John should really try some Viagra. Oh, and Shelly passed through Tupelo on her spring break trip to Panama Beach. So much vital information can be gleaned from bathroom wall graffiti! Now that my kids can read, checking out a stall before they go in has taken on a whole new meaning.
Public restrooms are not always well thought out. Early on, I figured out that a double stroller will only fit in a handicapped stall. Bathrooms with one of those were a plus! These days, I still look for the big stall, since I generally have a herd of small children with me. Not too long ago, I led the parade into the big stall and saw something I've never seen before! (I know, I was as surprised as you are.) The toilet paper holder was on the opposite wall from the toilet. Keep in mind that this was a HANDICAPPED stall. How the heck is a disabled person supposed to reach the toilet paper when I can't do it? Shouldn't that be against some sort of law? You know, all disabled people have the right to freely accessible toilet paper in handicapped stalls? Sheesh. And no, my mental problem does not count as a disability. Ha, ha. Toilet paper location never mattered to me until I had kids. It really presents a problem when they've locked the door, done their business, and suddenly realize that their arms are too short to reach the toilet paper. True story.
Being a public restroom expert, I was caught off guard yet again the other day at Kroger. We ran in to  pick up just a few things and of course, the kids had to pee. Having been there, done that, I knew right where the restroom was. One child headed into the small stall, closed the door, sat down, and WHACK! Wailing commenced, and all sorts of things began to run through my mind. What on Earth? Had she fallen in the toilet? Pulled the toilet paper dispenser off the wall? Nope! Even better! When my daughter reached for the toilet paper, the unlocked dispenser swung open and hit her hard, right across the bridge of her nose. Never a dull moment around here!