Ten Things I Didn't Know Before I was a Parent

It's that time of year. Everyone is sharing their resolutions with the world. I have my own, some of which are fit for public consumption. I have fallen off the wagon, so to speak, with my half marathon training in the last week. However, rather than sit around and beat myself up for being a lazy slob, I'm just going to start over again tomorrow morning. Week 9 of 13, here I come. So there you go. My resolution is to finish the MS River Half Marathon without dying. Good thing it isn't tomorrow.

One of my favorite country songs talks about being able to write a letter to your younger self. Sure, I'd like to reassure my teenage self that I would eventually meet the most fantastic man God ever created and marry him. But more importantly, I'd like to fill myself in on the nuances of parenting three young girls. There are just so many things that you don't even know you don't know until you are a parent, and frankly, then it's too late.

1. So let's begin at the beginning. It's worth pointing out that pregnancy is one of those decisions that you can't unmake. In the amazing age of technology, everyone knows that nothing is ever truly "deleted." You can change your mind about pretty much anything, except becoming a parent. Once you are on this ship, you are on it, and you'd better hang on and try to enjoy the ride. One of my dad's favorite expressions is "accidents cause people." Be careful, be very careful. And keep in mind that just because you plan to have "a" baby doesn't mean that is what will happen. You just might get two.

2. When you become a mother, you will forever surrender your right to pee in peace. If you are not accompanied by at least one short person each and every time you enter the bathroom, you will be forced to listen to them bang on the door. This also applies to the shower. My three year old daughter's bladder is inexplicably linked to the shower head in my bathroom. All I have to do is step into the shower, turn on the water, and wait for her to show up to use the toilet.

3. If you have more than one child (and sometimes even if you don't) you WILL give birth to someone who acts just like you. This person will also exhibit each and every trait that you do not like about yourself. This is your "Mini Me," also known as the child you will have the most difficulty parenting. This precious gift from God will be able to get on your last nerve and bounce up and down at a moment's notice. Trust me on this one.

4. You will deliver your modesty along with your baby. An entire hospital staff will see you in your most vulnerable, least attractive state. Your "private" parts will become quite public, and that's if you have a routine delivery. More complicated deliveries require even more access to your nether regions. If you are lucky enough to experience the joy of IV magnesium, you will also learn what it is like to be in a state that prevents you from being able to bathe yourself. Before I had a pregnancy with complications, I never would have believed that there would come a day prior to my nursing home days when I would need another person to attend to my personal hygiene. At least I was too high to experience the full humiliation of that experience. It blows my mind that anyone who has ever given birth can be apprehensive about a trip to the gynecologist. Hey, eighteen year old me, this yearly exam will become nothing more than a minor annoyance after you are a mom!

5. When you have a baby in the house, every single item you own will become a potential choking hazard. You will size everything up like a pawn store owner, checking size, weight, toxicity. Then you will carefully weigh the risks against the chance that removal of said item will trigger a full blown crying fit. If the child in question is NOT your first, you will allow the child to keep the item at all costs.

6. Any and all ideas you have regarding neatness, cleanliness, and order should be thrown out with the first dirty diaper. No matter how neat your house starts out in the morning, if you have multiple small children your home will come to resemble a poorly run daycare in a matter of moments. Toy makers are evil, sadistic people. They will package toys in such a way that you can't possibly remove them from the package in one piece. They dream about you, sitting there frantically trying to get that freaking fairy out of the box while a short person screams, "Open it! Open it!"

7. Siblings fight, all day every day. This was news to me, an only child with cousins who lived nearby. They fight just to fight. It doesn't even have to be over anything in particular, it's just a sport they partake in. Learn to accept this, and let go of your need to resolve the dispute. Remind them that settling out of mom's court is a distinct advantage. If all else fails, have fun with the group. Forced hugs and kisses are awesome, especially between sisters.

8. Your children will suck your brain out of your ear at night, little by little. Once an adult with a fully functional brain and an amazing memory, your children will reduce you to the human equivalent of Jello. You will forget why you walked into a room, where you left your phone, keys, glasses, sanity...

9. Nothing is sweeter than watching your children be kind to each other. Yes, it happens from time to time. Just when you think the little twerps will never make it to eighteen without killing each other, they will do or say something incredibly sweet and you will congratulate yourself on being such an awesome parent.

10. Parenting is the hardest, most exhausting, most mentally and physically draining task you will ever take on. It doesn't end when your kid turns 18 or even 21. That little pink line means you have signed up to have a piece of your heart walk around outside your body until you die. It means that you will never, ever make another decision without considering someone else first. It's pretty overwhelming when you think about it. It's also completely worth it.