In the same vein as my post on the things I didn't know before I was a parent, I want to share something important that I didn't know before I got married. First, let's talk about what I did know. This shouldn't take very long. Basically, everything I knew about marriage I learned by watching my parents. They had a long, loving marriage, keeping their vows and working at it until death parted them. I've only recently come to really understand what a blessing that was. For those who have not been fortunate enough to have such an example set for you, I am truly sorry. I can see how difficult it would be to cultivate a long and healthy marriage if you haven't had someone model that for you.
I knew that I wanted a marriage, not just a wedding. Honestly, the process of planning my wedding without my mother was completely overwhelming. I made each and every decision alone, with very little input from anyone else. As a result, my wedding was not the social event of the season. It wasn't big or grandiose, and there was no amazing party afterward. It was "simple" according to one guest, who actually meant that as a compliment, and it was completely about us.
When I asked Kirk what kind of wedding he had in mind, he just said one that would make me his wife. I have to admit that he did ask me to wait until December. He saw a solid red, white fur trimmed wedding gown in a store window and literally begged me to wear it. I told him I had waited all my life to wear the big white dress, and by golly I was going to wear it!
I loved my wedding gown, and I felt like a princess in it. Looking back on it now, my mother would absolutely have been on his side. She loved me in red, and forced me to wear it as often as she could. And truthfully, I wish I had done it simply to honor my husband's wishes. So often I see brides busily planning "their" day, with absolutely no regard for their fiance's opinion. Hey girls, he's getting married, too. While I understand how long you have been planning that day, show your man some real love and respect by including him in the planning. He's thought about that day, too, whether he admits it or not. Oh, and keep in mind that on your wedding day, you will be the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. If that doesn't make you smile, there's something wrong with you.
So back to the original reason for this post. I didn't know that when I became a wife, I also became a friend, lover, and complete support system. I didn't realize that I needed to become a one woman cheerleading squad - that it was my job to make my husband feel smart, strong, and ready to take on the world. The most important thing I didn't yet understand as a newlywed was my husband's need for my approval. That's right, I knew that he loved me, that he was attracted to me, that he wanted to spend his life with me. But I honestly had no idea just how much weight my opinion and approval carried with him. Sounds silly, doesn't it? Shouldn't you just automatically know something like that? Perhaps, but I admit that I didn't.
One day, during a minor disagreement (the only kind we've ever had) he looked me in the eye and said something along the lines of, "Don't you know that I don't care what anyone thinks but you? That you're the only one I care about impressing?" Well, uh...no. I didn't know that. Frankly it had never occurred to me until he put it just that way. So here's my point: I didn't realize and completely grasp just how much my approval meant to this wonderful man I married. I had thoughtlessly hurt the person I loved most in the world by being too critical, by speaking too harshly. Yep, I felt pretty small.
Fortunately for me, my husband is also a very forgiving person. He overlooks me at some point pretty much every day. It's one of many ways he shows me that he loves me. I try really hard to be loving and supportive, and to withhold criticism or harsh words. That's one of the ways I show him my love. That and the occasional home cooked meal. You know, the whole "way to a man's heart" thing.
So ladies, realize the power that you have, and use it for good. Greet that man when he gets home like the dog would. Well, except for the whole face licking thing. Unless you're into that...but that's a subject for a completely different sort of post!
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