Women of my generation are in a unique situation. Perhaps I am alone on this, but I don't think so. As I was growing up, through a combination of the women in my life and the media, I got the message that a woman was supposed to be able to do it ALL. The feminists of the world would have you believe that you should go to college, have a fabulous, high-paying career, get married (or not,) have children, continue to climb the professional ladder (while complaining that you aren't being paid as much as the men you work with,) AND be Martha freaking Stewart at home. Whew! Just typing all that makes me tired. Here's the crazy part: I, a reasonably intelligent woman, BOUGHT IT, hook, line, and sinker. And I mean the sinker part literally. If you try to do all of these things at the same time, you will drown.
I read a popular post online yesterday about how to miss a childhood. To me, the quickest way to miss a childhood is to tell yourself when you become pregnant that "this baby's not gonna change my life!" If you listen to the media, you should push out your baby (or have an elective C-section, because really, who has time to wait to go into labor anymore,) put on your pre-pregnancy clothes a maximum of three seconds later, and drop the baby off with your mom on your way back to work the next week. Does anyone else agree that this is total BS??!!!
Now, I confess, when I was pregnant the first time, I knew that my life was going to change. What I didn't realize was that EVERY iota of my life was going to change. I pushed myself to get back on my barrel horse when my twins were three weeks old (because I had to get back to "my" life, right?) I freely admit that it was way too early for me. I'm sure that some women ride until the day they deliver and jump back on at two weeks out, but I was NOT one of them. I entered my first barrel race back when they were three months old, which was also too soon. I didn't feel good in my clothes, I didn't look good on my horse, and I certainly didn't ride as well as I could have, between sleep deprivation and raging hormones! Because of my upbringing, I felt this internal urge to go right back to doing everything I used to do before I was a mom.
So here's the take home lesson for the day: I would give ANYTHING to have those first few weeks and months with my babies back. I totally wish I had spent more time holding, playing, and napping with them, instead of being so worried about getting my horse back in shape. Please don't get me wrong, my babies were not neglected in any way, but I definitely could have spent more time just studying their little faces and watching them breathe.
I am proud to say, however, that I did learn something from my mistakes. Author Betsy Braun Brown calls the first child in a family the "practice child," because you use them to learn how to parent. I went into my second pregnancy thinking, "I can do better this time!" And in some ways, I have. I held our third child every single second that I wanted to. I breastfed her for 13 months, despite pressure and negative comments from within my own extended family. Which, by the way, was the BEST decision I ever made. I wouldn't take anything for the precious hours I spent cradling my child and staring into her face. Those were some of the most blissfully happy moments of my life. These days, when she wants me to hold her, I hold her. When she wants me to rock her, I rock her. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I try to spend one on one time every day with each of my children. Some days it happens, some days it doesn't. The difference is, now I don't beat myself up about it. I have come to an important realization, maybe the most important realization: You can have it all, but not all at the same time. I could be a highly successful career woman. I could be a cross between Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart, and keep a spotless, tastefully decorated home that feels more like a museum. I could spend more time riding my horses, and maybe have a really good one someday. I could spend every free moment at my kids' school and work feverishly to be Mother of the Year. But I can't do ALL those things. I can do one or two of them well, maybe even really well. But not all of them. So my resolution for Mother's Day: I'm going to stop trying to be all things to all people and focus on the the things that really matter, like spending time with my husband, loving my children well, and taking care of their mother.
I have made some progress. As I was blowing bubbles in my kitchen last night, much to the delight of all my squealing children, my husband made an observation. He said, "Wow, you never would have done that when the twins were little, and we lived in that crappy apartment. Now we live in a cool house, and you're blowing bubbles in the kitchen." Perhaps I've relaxed my standards. There was even a bonus to the whole affair. As I was mopping up bubble solution off my kitchen floor with a paper towel, the light bulb came on. I'm wiping up soap on the floor. That counts as mopping, right?
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