Redneck Balls

For those who didn't grow up in the South, I am about to let you in on a well-known fact of Southern life. The official sport of the redneck Christmas season is driving around in your car admiring critiquing other people's Christmas lights. Yes, yes, I know-deer/duck hunting ranks a close second, being that NASCAR is over until February, but light-looking is clearly first, due to the fact that everyone from my two year old to your ninety year old mother can participate. And everyone has their own opinion. The very same display that elicits a "how tacky" from my sister-in-law can evoke squeals of delight and "I wish our house looked like that" from my kids.
Here's how it works. You load up as many people, family or not, as you can possibly stuff into your vehicle, or in the case of the people we were behind last night, as many people and your blue heeler dog. He actually seemed to be looking at the lights, as best we could tell while we were tailgating them. Then you drive around until you spot Christmas lights, and have at it. If it's a particularly large display, such as the one we were at last night you may have to make several slow laps around the house, a la stalker, to get the full effect. Serious lookers turn their headlights off, which could explain the uptick in car wrecks around the holidays. Just a thought.
Many years ago, when my husband and I were merely dating and not yet the blissfully happy parents of 47 children, the latest, greatest, most amazing Christmas decoration ever hit the market. Often imitated and never quite duplicated, it was essentially a collection of clear plastic cups arranged in a sphere with a colored light bulb in each one. No doubt the creation of someone who had just finished a game of beer pong, you could customize these fabulous items with light bulbs in the color of your choice to match your decor. My soon to be husband immediately christened them "Redneck balls." He and I took great joy that year in riding through subdivisions and making fun of admiring the houses that had one.
Although she would never have said it aloud, I was able to discern that my sweet mother-in-law felt the same way about these amazing creations that we did. And then my husband's grandmother got one as a Christmas gift. As luck would have it, she was living with his parents at the time. Needless to say, he and I nearly hurt ourselves laughing as we watched my poor sweet MIL agonize over what to do with such a lovely gift. Just to give you some perspective, her Christmas decor always includes very traditional, tasteful lighted wreaths with red bows and a tree glistening in the window. A Redneck ball was not in her plan.
If I haven't mentioned it before, my MIL is as clever as she is sweet. She can delicately manipulate a situation until she gets exactly what she wants without you ever knowing a thing. In this instance, she settled for placing the ball in an elegant brass planter, plugging it in and displaying it...in her living room, which is the least used room in her entire house! Nobody ever goes in there. It was perfect. I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure I saw a twinkle in her eye and a tiny little grin every time someone mentioned it.
But the story doesn't end there. My grandmother and my MIL were from the same generation, and close to the same age. To give you some background on my dad's mom, I never saw her wear jeans. Ever. Her hair and nails were always done, and her hourglass figure was always tastefully complimented by her clothes. I don't remember ever seeing her wear any type of shoes other than high heels. Her house was like a museum, and you knew better than to touch anything. So when she told us that she couldn't wait to show us her new Christmas decoration, I thought my husband was going to pee on himself when we pulled up to her house and there it was...a Redneck ball in all its blue glory hanging on the porch! I don't think I've ever worked so hard to stifle a giggle in my entire life. Love you, Granny!
With such a rich family history, we knew it was up to us to keep the tradition alive for our kids. So last night, we loaded up and headed to Fulton. We drove straight to the one guy's house who has at least fifty lighted animals, story book characters, and Santas in his yard. After ten laps or so at 5 mph, the kids decided that maybe they had seen it all. As we were driving up the street looking for a spot to turn around, totally infuriating the guy behind us who was just trying to get home from work, I saw it. Something I'd never seen before in my 35 years of experience critiquing Christmas lights. It was...a Merry Christmas tapestry, proudly hung in the front yard with all the other decorations, just to the right of the nativity scene. It was lit, it was festive, it was...a HUGE picture of ELVIS PRESLEY.
We were so blown away by the sheer beauty of it that my husband was immediately compelled to take a picture to put on Facebook. I mean, something like this is worth sharing. We drove by several times, trying hard to get that perfect shot with our non-iPhone camera phones...but it just wasn't working. So we did what any responsible redneck would do. We pulled over, my husband got out of the car, crossed the road, and walked up INTO THEIR YARD to take a picture. I was already getting my story ready for the cops when they got there. "Well, you see, Officer, we just wanted to take a picture so we could put it on Facebook. Does that really count as trespassing? Where is your Christmas spirit?" Fortunately, he didn't get shot or mauled by a dog and even got back to the car before the police got there. So, to our FB friends who were able to enjoy this moment in Christmas history, you're welcome.