Mama Said

An important part of any parent's job is imparting wisdom to the generations that follow. Keeping in mind that my children are very literal creatures, today I thought about all the things my parents used to say. There were the standards: "If you don't uncross your eyes, they're going to get stuck like that" and "If all your friends jumped off a a bridge, would you jump, too?" (To which the answer at that point in my life would have been, "Yes. Yes I would." Sorry, Mom.) Then there were things like, after the thousandth serving of my favorite meal, "You are what you eat, and you're going to turn into a chicken nugget" or "All that candy's going to rot your teeth out." I am overjoyed to report that I am not toothless, nor did I ever turn into any food that I consumed as a child. And another thing: I never did know why you couldn't go swimming right after you ate. I mean, really, what's the worst thing that could happen? A little puke in the pool never hurt anybody. It could have hung out right next to that pee that was "going to turn red, if you pee in this pool!" I have to admit that I used that one myself the other day. I could tell from the confused "well it didn't turn red when I did it" look on my child's face that she had something she wanted to confess, but she thought better of it.
I have to say that my favorite wise expressions came from my father in law, Hack Shumpert. He used to say that he and his wife, Dot, sounded like a pair of mules. "Go harness Hack and Dot so we can plow the field!" Hack would advise my husband to do things like "Go butt a stump" if he was being difficult. One of his particular favorites was, "You'd argue with a dead man and him layin' there stinkin'!" Ah, yes, memories. But the best Hack-ism of all time has to be the warning he would dole out when one of his kids was misbehaving: "Keep on and I'm gonna slap a skillet of hot pee outta you!" Wow. What does that even mean? The possibilities are endless. But it seemed to have the desired effect, as my husband is alive today.
I mentioned that my children are very literal. Once when the twins were small, a photographer told them she wanted to change the backdrop because it would "really make your blue dress pop!" My child immediately dissolved into hysterics because she didn't want her dress to explode. Apparently they have not been beaten enough in their lives, because when I told my daughter to "Knock it off, or I'm gonna tear you up" she looked at me for a long time and said, "Mama, what does tear you up mean?" My husband's personal favorite is, "Don't make me pull this car over!" He loves that one. I did however, have to point out that he's never actually pulled the car over and done anything, so at some point he's gonna have to make good on his promise. I'm just saying.
I've threatened to "knock you into next week" before, but my daughter didn't understand that one, either. Gee, for such smart kids they really don't get it sometimes. And don't get me started on sarcasm. My dad figured that one out the hard way, when he told my very young daughter to just stand there and wait for her clothes to jump on by themselves, so she did. They really don't get sarcasm.
My personal best however, has to be the night I couldn't get one of the kids to shut up and eat. I looked at her with my most stern expression, worked up my best "mom voice" and hissed, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND EAT YOUR SUPPER." And the really funny part was, my incredibly precocious child saw the irony in this statement. I watched her consider whether to point out that what I had asked her to do was physically impossible. but then she wisely decided against it and started eating. My husband, however, nearly wet his pants. He really does make it difficult for me to be a hard-ass sometimes.