I See Your Bladder!

My children are getting to the age that anatomy lessons are becoming more and more frequent around here. I guess when you have someone exactly the same age to look at and make comparisons, naturally questions are going to arise. Shortly after my third daughter was born, one of the twins came into my room while I was dressing. After studying me in my underwear for a moment, she walked up and put her finger on my bikini line. "Um, Mom, I can see the hair right there. I think maybe your underwear is getting too small." Duly noted.
Those of you who don't have kids, keep in mind that when you're admiring that pregnant woman's luscious, full head of hair that it sure isn't the only place that looks like that. And if you want to have a private giggle, keep in mind that chances are she doesn't even know just how bad it looks down there because she can't see it over her belly anyway. Just a heads up. You're welcome. And yes, I have seen the clip from "Sex and the City" too. Samantha swears she could be "on Death Row and not have that situation." Samantha doesn't have any children, on screen or off. Her "situation" and our situations are different. WAY different. Just worth pointing out.
The other night, the girls were in the bathtub when their dad heard the following:
Child 1: I see your bladder. (Giggle, giggle.)
Child 2: I see yours too! (More high pitched giggles.)
Daddy returned to the bathroom with towels to find one child standing outside of the tub, bent over and staring at her crotch. "Nope! Mine doesn't have hair on it either!" Then my giggling, naked child showed up in the kitchen. Mom took over at this point.
Me: What are you talking about?
Child 1: My bladder! It doesn't have any hair on it! See?
Me: Well, yes, but that's not your bladder. Your bladder is on the inside. If someone can see your bladder, we need to go to the hospital.
Child 1: Then what is it? Your china? Oh yes, that's right! It's your china! But what was that little thing that was sticking out on that boy baby at the church? You know, when his mom changed his diaper...that little thing? (Squinting her eyes and holding up the end of her finger.)
Me: That was his penis.
Child 1: Oh, yeah! That's right. And that's what makes him different from a girl?
Me: Yep, that pretty well sums it up. And it's not a "china." It's a vagina. With a "v."
Child 1: How do you spell that?
Really? Is it important that my five year old know how to spell this word? Sigh.
Me: V-A-G-I-N-A.
She recited it back to me and then collapsed into a fit of giggles. I remembered suddenly that this was the child who looked at me the other day and said, "Mom, if you smell somebody's toot, it's mine!" Ah, yes, the human body and toilet humor. What could be more fun? I can't wait for her to start first grade. I'm already getting ready for the call from her teacher.
And then it hit me. When we decided over six years ago that we wanted a baby, I never pictured myself standing in my kitchen spelling the word "vagina." I also never pictured myself trying to have a private moment with my husband with three kids banging on my bedroom door. But that's a story for another day. And it's a good one, ladies. No "50 Shades of Grey" or anything, but it's really freakin' funny. Now get your mind out of the gutter.
I guess the moral of the story is this: for all you gals who think that having a baby isn't going to change you, get over it. A baby changes EVERYTHING. Every last facet of your life, from what and when you eat to when you go to the bathroom to how long you sleep. Those little stinkers invade your brain and suck out your memory. They squeeze into your heart and make it impossible for you to watch a news story without thinking, "What if that were my kid?" They change the way you look at yourself, your husband, and the world. And once you're in, you're in. No take backs. There's no such thing as a little bit pregnant. You might as well sit down, shut up, and hang on. The only thing I can promise is that it's a bumpy ride, full of parts that make you scream with joy and parts that will make you lose your lunch. Here's hoping your trip is more fun and less vomit.