Lessons Learned from "Cops"

I have a confession. My kids love to watch "Cops." I don't encourage it, but I swear that show is like porn for them. They know they're not supposed to watch it, but they just can't help it. I blame their love for "Cops" on genetics. My devout Baptist, holy roller mother got the biggest kick out of that show. Personally, I think she just enjoyed singing the theme song at the top of her lungs. Nevertheless, she enjoyed it and so do they.
Not long ago we were in a store and some thug kid got busted for shoplifting. I've never seen two children more excited in my life. When half of the store staff began chasing the guy out through the parking lot, my child stands up in our buggy and yells, "Dad, are they going to call the cops?" "Yep." Then in perfect unison my children burst into song: "OOOOHHH! BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS, WHATCHA GONNA DO..." One of my prouder parenting moments. Then my soft hearted child spent the next two days worrying about the shoplifter and asking me if they had food and a place to sleep in jail.
The other night I busted them watching "Campus PD," a raunchier version of "Cops" shot on location at college campuses around the country. Before I firmly suggested that perhaps we should find a more appropriate show for two five year olds, the following conversation took place.
Child 1: Daddy, why is he putting that guy in the car?
Dad: He's getting arrested for being drunk.
Child 1: For what?
Dad: For drinking too much.
Child 1: For drinking too much what? Alkerhaul?
Dad: Yep. Too much "alkerhaul."

The cop on the show then proceeded to ask the suspect what he'd had to drink. "Three pink panty droppers," the college kid replied. For those of you like me who don't know, this involves some mixture of tequila, vodka, and beer. See, you really do learn something every day.
Child 2: Dad, what's a pink party...
Dad: It's a drink.
Child 2: Well is it alkerhaul or drugs?
Dad: It's alcohol.
Child 2: But do you drink it or put it in your ears?
Dad: You drink it.
Child 2: And if you drink too much of it, it makes you act silly?
Dad: Yep. That's pretty well how it works.

And lest you worry that my kids aren't learning anything by watching such a show, consider this. As the police were loading a suspect into the car, my child looked at her dad and said, "Dad, they really should have checked his pockets before they put him in the car."